The last 3 weeks I’ve really been in hermit mode. At the beginning of May, I was feeling so proud, I was on top of my game with my business and I started to see the busiest weeks in my business since the beginning of the pandemic.
The last week of May brought on a rollercoaster of experiences and it feels really important to me to share them with you. In the past, I’ve been really quiet about what I’m going through in my healing journey, for the most part, but I’ve always known that I want to use my healing journey to help others. If you want to hear about my journey up until now, I recommend checking out the recent podcast interview I did on The Dragonfly Connection Podcast.
I want to share this story with you because I think it’s so important to talk about the really tough things.
I want to share my healing journey with my experiences so far and highlight the importance of your empowerment and listening to your intuition on your healing journey. In a lot of ways, this message is something I need to hear for myself. So thank you for giving me the space to share with you.
If you know nothing about me, let me preface this story by saying that I’m engaged and currently in the process of planning our wedding. It feels so good to be at this point in my life and have found someone who values the same things that I do and has the same hopes and dreams for the future.
One of my lifelong dreams has been to be a mother.
I started taking care of babies when my brother was born, at just 18 months old. My mom loves to share about how I was changing diapers while wearing diapers. My first dream for life was to become a stay-at-home mom and have lots of kids just like my mom. That dream’s changed over time, but what hasn’t changed is my longing for motherhood. It may sound weird to some, but pregnancy and having children are life experiences that I’m so excited to have become a part of my journey.
Another important thing to this story is that I’ve made building a better relationship with my body and my cycle a focus of my healing journey over the last year.
I believe that our bodies speak to us all the time.
Years ago, I felt guided to stop using hormonal birth control, I knew intuitively that it was not supporting my health and knew there had to be a better way. After some research, I decided to switch to the non-hormonal IUD. Then a year ago, I could feel that my body was now rejecting the IUD and screaming for me to move on.
I researched again and made the decision to switch to basal body temperature monitoring and found an amazing app, Natural Cycles, to assist with that. To be honest, I was really scared to make this switch, everything I had been taught about birth control growing up taught me that ultimately, I couldn’t trust my own body and I needed something outside of myself to protect me. I can tell you now, that is just not true. We have the ability to be so incredibly in tune with our bodies and listen deeply to the subtle messages it sends us.
Your body is always telling you exactly what it needs, you just need to listen.
Basal body temperature monitoring taught me to become so much more in tune with my body and my cycle. Over the past year, I’ve gotten to know myself so deeply that I can honestly say that I know my body. Any given day, I can tell you exactly where I am in my cycle and what my body needs. My cycle is healthier than it’s ever been, and everything functions like clockwork.
So, it was quite a surprise last month when my period didn’t come on time. I was a bit in denial for the first few days, hoping that my period was just freakishly late. Aaron, my fiancé, was so in tune that he knew I was pregnant days before I did. Then, too many days had passed and I woke up in the morning on May 26th knowing that I was pregnant. Over the next 24 hours, I took two tests to confirm, both loud and clear positives.
And so, the roller coaster began. We quickly accepted our fate and dove into action. We did tons of research and jumped to move our wedding date which was exactly 9 months away. It amazed me how quickly I was able to fall in love with this little consciousness that was inside of me. In a matter of a day, my whole world changed. I was shocked, excited, nervous, and full of joy all at the same time.
I’ve always believed that women have an innate power within themselves that just kicks in with motherhood.
That week really confirmed that for me. We watched a great documentary, The Business of Being Born, that solidified my belief in the power of women. Something so instinctual just kicks in and it changes everything.
Days later, my world came crashing down just as quickly as it began.
I woke up bleeding and I knew something wasn’t right. I called the advice nurse to get support with what was happening and all I was left with was, “You just need to monitor it. Make sure it doesn’t get worse, if it does call us.” No one wanted to tell me what was going on, understandably, because some bleeding during pregnancy is normal. In a lot of ways though, I wish someone had said, “It sounds like this could be happening.” Unfortunately, in that situation, there really is nothing that anyone can do to change it, all you can do is go through it. When you know what’s happening, I imagined it would be easier to accept it, to know what I was going through and mourn as it happened.
Instead, I was left with so much uncertainty, all I could do was hold onto a glimmer of hope. I hoped that by some miracle, I would be the small percentage of women that bleed during pregnancy without an issue. Each day passed with more and more uncertainty. The hospital system failed me again and again. It took me 3 days to finally get an appointment to be seen by a doctor. All that time, no one gave me any answers.
I felt abandoned and uncared for by the people who are put into place to care for us, a drop in the ocean that didn’t matter to anyone.
One week after finding out about my pregnancy I arrived at the hospital for my appointment with the doctor. I arrived early, anxious to get answers. As I checked in for my appointment, I was informed that my appointment had been canceled minutes before. I was in utter shock and disbelief at the hospital system’s failure to care. Luckily, they were kind enough to reschedule my appointment to later that day with the promise of fitting me in if there was a no-show.
I was sent back to take another pregnancy test and minutes later was called back by the nurse who showed me two negative tests. None of it made sense to me as the nurse began to explain how I might have had false positives at home and maybe my period was just late because of stress. I couldn’t believe the level of gaslighting that I was receiving from this woman. Was the last week all just a dream? Was I supposed to abandon what I knew about myself and my body for the words of this woman standing in front of me?
She offered to order blood tests for me and told me that I didn’t need to see the doctor because there was nothing they could do for me. So, off I marched to take the blood test, still holding onto any glimmer of hope that I could. By the time my blood test was complete, it was 30 minutes before my rescheduled appointment and I decided that I did want to see the doctor. I truly felt like they were the only person that could give me the answers I needed.
Seeing the doctor was the right choice, he let me know that I had what is called a chemical pregnancy, they’re very common and most women don’t know that they happen. Those of us who are in tune with our bodies and our cycles are way more likely to notice. He did say that they don’t consider chemical pregnancies “real pregnancies” which for the sake of science and future family planning, I understand.
But it doesn’t make the whole experience any less real to me. For 3 weeks, my pregnancy was real.
That night, I went home and gave myself time to process the grief. We named our baby, Sage, to honor them and give them a place in our little family.
In that short time period, Sage taught us so much and prepared us for the future we are planning together.
Despite the emotional roller coaster, I’m grateful for the experience and I’m grateful for the people that have supported me on my journey so far.
I’m also grateful to be equipped with the tools I’ve developed over the years for my own healing and to be able to find meaning in the whole experience. A week after our loss, I had an intuitive healing session that gave me space to process all that had happened. It gave me the opportunity to connect with Sage in a different way and to get some closure around some of the things that I had questions about. Like if there was something that I did to make Sage feel unwanted or unloved. It also helped me to confirm my own intuition and trust my experiences.
In that short period of time that I was pregnant, having Reiki helped me to connect with Sage and gave me the tools to move through all the emotions that arose.
Despite the confusion about what was going on, I felt strong in my intuition and knowing what was best for me. I feel more empowered now to make the best decisions for myself and in finding health care providers who align with my values and who honor the intuitive and spiritual process of health. Even more so now, I honor alternative care and how valuable it is to truly care for someone. I see more reasons now for an integrative approach to health care.
I recognize how important it is to advocate for yourself and trust in your intuition when it comes to your body and your health.
I know that it’s okay to turn to alternative forms of healing in most situations and that there is a time and place for western medicine and that when you need someone to care for you that may not be the best environment.
I hope that sharing my story helps others in some way. I hope that you feel empowered to trust your intuition and the decisions you make about your body and health.
If you’ve been through a miscarriage before, including a chemical pregnancy, I hope sharing my story helps you to know that your experience was real and valid, that all the emotions you experience are valid. I hope that you find a way to honor your baby and integrate them as part of your family.
If you need support in doing this, please reach out to me. Please know that people who truly care about you and your healing are out there, advocate for yourself and find a care team who truly listens and wants you to be happy, healthy, and whole.
If you need support in trusting your intuition about your body and your health, I’m available to support you and empower you in finding the healing path that is best for you. Your healing journey is completely unique to you, and I believe that there is an innate knowing within you that will lead you to what you need to find healing.
Reiki Master Teacher & Spiritual Business Coach