“Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims—of someone’s abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems. Something came our way, something we didn’t ask for, and it hurt us terribly. That is sad, truly sad. But an even sadder fact is that many of us codependents began to see ourselves as victims. Our painful history repeats itself. As caretakers, we allow people to victimize us, and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people. Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
As a recovering codependent myself I can relate to this quote so much. Yes, I’ve been a victim of abuse and I’ve also gotten stuck there. I’ve been in the place where the only way I could see myself was as a victim. At the time, I remember how hard it was to get out of it, and how trapped I felt. I’ve been in that position where I’ve allowed someone to victimize me because I wanted to rescue that person.
Melody Beattie’s work was one of the tools I used in reclaiming myself after being in a codependent and toxic relationship. Her work was so impactful that I often use what I learned from her work in the work with my clients. It’s why I’m so excited to be starting a Reading Group and Healing Circle that will be focused on her book Codependent No More.
One of the biggest wounds you’ll struggle with as a codependent is wanting to feel loved and to feel like you belong. But being codependent can be so isolating because you latch onto one person to meet all of your needs. So when you walk away, you’re left feeling empty and having no one to turn to.
At the same time, you may have felt your entire life that you never fit in. This is because of your super heightened levels of empathy and unique trauma.
As codependents, we need a community of like-minded supporters. We need to talk about our experiences with people who have gone through similar experiences. Often, we underestimate the power of connection in our journey.
In order to build trust and open your heart, you have to be willing to let people who can understand and support you in.
Social connection fuels your body the same way eating, drinking, and breathing does. Without it, we can fall into a self-created pit of despair. Full of negativity, scarcity thinking, and a whole lot of believing you’re alone.
In order to overcome that, you have to forgive yourself and others. You have to heal your resentments, let go of victimhood, and release the pain from the past. Only then can you learn the lesson offered.
You can start the forgiveness process with Ho’oponopono. Simply focus on the statements, “I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”
It’s these practices and more that we’ll discuss and work through together as we read Codependent No More.
It’s been on my mind the past couple of months to start a reading group and healing circle.
We will be starting with the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
The plan is to read each chapter(s) on our own and then come together for a facilitated group discussion and healing exercises related to each chapter.
So far out of the responses I have received, it looks like Wednesday evenings are going to be the best option that works for most people. I’ve got a good mix of people that prefer Zoom and others that prefer in-person. So I am considering a hybrid model where people can call into the meeting for Zoom or meet with us in person.
For the first meeting to discuss the reading plan, we’ll be meeting on Zoom, next Wednesday, August 3rd at 6pm PT. The first meeting is free, if you’d like to attend the reading group please join us so that I can get your feedback and best tailor the group to everyone’s needs. The link to register for the Zoom meeting is below, register in advance so you don’t miss it!
You are invited to a Zoom meeting.
When: Aug 3, 2022 06:00 PM Pacific Time (US and Canada)
Register in advance for this meeting:
https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZcldemgrzstE9e_1BxTdt7VZq58XzeJke6T
After registering, you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the meeting.
